I know that advertising must be a tough gig. You’re trying to differentiate your widget from everyone else’s, and that can’t be easy. But sometimes I have to laugh about how these companies and firms go about it.
For example, I think flashlights (“torches” for you Brits- but that’s a whole other blog) are pretty cool gadgets. They allow us to see in the dark! No hard-wiring or fire involved at all- just click!- and you can see. Add in the advances in LED tech and today we’re enjoying the very best in portable illumination we’ve ever had. Really, it’s pretty amazing.
So how do these manufacturers sell these things? If it were me (and this is why I’m not in advertising), I’d just tell the truth: “Bright fucking flashlight.”
”...the bright fucking flashlight has three settings: battery saver, burn out your retinas and fuck you...”
But instead some brain monkey decided that to sell these otherwise pretty handy devices to the prepper/militia/security guard crowd, they went with “TACTICAL FLASHLIGHT.” It’s a thing, I swear. A quick search on Amazon pulls up hundreds of them. So let’s just put this one to bed, because come on.
Tactical? No. That word implies strategy and thoughtful, deliberate planning. Not flashlights. In fact, a flashlight is sort of the antithesis of tactical when you think about it: as soon as you turn on this super crazy bright light, you’ve completely given away your position and blown the whole mission. Well done, soldier.
One of the worst offenders, of course, is the Auto industry. I know that you have to name a model of a car something. I get that, I really do. You’re not going to move many units of “Boring Sedan.” But some companies are better at this than others. I kind of like Audi’s approach, actually. “Um… A4? Yeah. A4. That’s our car. And it’s nice. So buy it.”
And even though I dig the open-wheel idea and hot-rod-inspired design, I just can’t see myself driving around in a car that calls itself the “Prowler.”
I used to have a Chevrolet S-10 small truck. It was fine until Los Angeles ate it (that’s what happens around here). But there was a version of the S-10 which I thought that GM was really kind of stretching. I mean, it was the 1990’s and so therefore everything had to be X-TREME!
That’s pushing it there, GM. As far as I can tell, it’s a truck. But having never owned that particular model, I can’t really say. Maybe GM knew exactly what they were talking about when they hung that handle on that vehicle: ”Look- this truck may wind up joining Al-Shabob or taking over a wildlife sanctuary in Oregon. We just don’t know. It’s X-treme, okay?”
Finally, I can’t really end this post without mentioning the worst offender in advertising failure of all: the pharmaceutical industry. These guys stand head-and-shoulders above everyone else. It’s not even close. Some lab somewhere develops a drug. This drug has an effect that may, or may not have had the intended results they were going for.
So what do they do? They invent medical conditions to sell their product! What the hell?! ”Well, we were trying to cure cervical cancer, but instead we’ve got a drug that makes your legs go numb. Hmm...”
Restless Leg Syndrome?! (I know, I know- down in the comments someone is gonna be all “I suffer from RLS and it’s ruining my life! You insensitive bastard!) I’m sorry, but give me a break. You don’t need to pump yourself full of some bullshit medication to make your legs numb. Really. Try exercising while you’re awake- way healthier. I feel bad for doctors, you know? Some hypochondriac patient comes in and demands treatment for an ailment that didn’t exist before the pharmaceutical industry invented a cure for it. How do they look that person in the eyes and take them seriously?
I just figured that I’d throw this one out there to put some levity into this dumpster fire we call the 2016 election cycle. Keep clam and carry on!